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If you’re bothered by something but aren’t going to raise the issue with the person in question, make sure you raise the issue with you so that you get to a balanced perspective on it (no blaming and shaming you), acknowledge your feelings, and take any appropriate actions that are needed.
You can’t always raise an issue at the time but that doesn’t stop you from learning from the insights that you stand to gain by doing a little reflection on it, plus you quite simply know for next time.
It deeply wounds us and lack of even explanation to the self keeps unhealthy beliefs in play.
We’re all bothered by many of the same things but for different reasons, and a person cannot know our specific reason or our perception of the facts if we don’t voice it.
Of course sometimes when you do take the time to raise an issue with someone, you may be met with the whole, “Well, I didn’t know it was an issue until now” and even, “You should have said”, as if there was some sort of expiration date on the option to broach the subject of what they’d done.
The fact that you’re both adults may cause you to question whether you need to explain but on the flip side, the other party may have the attitude that unless you state it, that there isn’t an issue, which of course will mean that their actions towards you will not reflect your perceptions of things.When we express concern and raise an issue, what we have to be careful of is hoping that we will be able to influence that person to change so that we can feel better about the fact that we’re engaging with them and have even let stuff slide by in the past.For most other situations however, especially if what happened is getting merged in with the past or we want to be able to potentially move on from the incident with this person (if it’s not a shady interaction), or they are continuing to do things that compound the original offence, speaking up is key because remaining silent, even with ourselves, and suppressing our truth and the facts, isn’t good for our sense of self.The trouble is that the person who they hurt, did, and the fact that he was unwilling to empathise with their position meant that it turned into something much bigger than it would have done if he’d just acknowledged where she was coming from.It’s also easy to claim that we wouldn’t be bothered by something when we either don’t have the experience of being bothered by it, yet.